Marriage is big lately; actually it's unmarriage that seems to be capturing our attention. From the award-winning American Beauty to the Bruce Willis-Mishelle Pfeiffer movie, The Story of Us, the institution of marriage is being turned inside out, and it's not a pretty sight. To judge by these films, modern marriage involves a lot of broken crockery and busted expectations. (91) {{U}}While many current Hollywood depictions of marriage may be overly pessimistic, statistics in America are alarming: each year half as many Americans get divorced as marry.{{/U}}
Marriage counselors say couples often choose to separate as a last-ditch effort to change their relationship, and possibly themselves. But a separation can give couples time to calm down, renegotiate the rules of the relationship and gain some needed distance.
For a separation to work, it needs to be well defined. "Structured Separations" tend to be the most productive. Couples facing separation do best if they establish some basic ground rules first. (92) {{U}}They should mutually agree on the length of the separation—three to six months is average—and both must continue to work on their own problems during that time, either with or without a counselor.{{/U}}
Couples should agree not to see lawyers during their separation. Lawyers have a way of moving marriage toward divorce. (93) {{U}}During their period of trial separation couples should not pursue each other at all, either to fight or to reconcile, but should agree in advance on what kind of contact they will have{{/U}}. Separated couples can agree to speak on the phone for a prearranged period, for in stance, or meet once a week. (94) {{U}}Some therapists advise their clients to agree not to talk to each other about their relationship during these encounters and to use the time apart to reflect on their own lives and see what they can change about themselves.{{/U}} If there are children involved, both parties need to agree on all the ground rules having to do with kids. Parents should also be aware that repeated separations and reconciliations are difficult and confusing for children.
A separation, while painful, can help keep the anger down and give a couple time to think. (95) {{U}}If both are unsure about the future of the marriage, it can provide a timeout, during which they can see what life would be like without the other{{/U}}. Sometimes it leads to divorce. But if couples are able to clarify things, it will improve their marriage—or, make their divorce better.