Back when we were kids, the hours spent with friends were too numerous to count. There were marathon telephone conversations; all-night studying and giggling sessions. Even after boyfriends entered the pictured our best friends remained irreplaceable. And time was the means by Which we nurtured those friendships. Now as adult women we never seem to have enough time for anything. Husbands, kids, careers and avocations--all require attention; too often, making time for our friends comes last on the list of priorities. And yet, ironically, we need our friends as much as ever in adulthood. A friendship network is absolutely crucial for our well being as adults. We have to do the hard work of building and sustaining the network. Here are some important ways for accomplishing this.
{{B}} Let go of your less central friendships.{{/B}}
Many of our friendships were never meant to last a lifetime. It's natural that some friendships have time limits. Furthermore, now everyone has a busy social calendar, so pull back from some people that you don't really want to draw close to and give the most promising friendship a fair chance to grow.
{{B}} (41) Be willing to "drop everything" when you're truly needed.{{/B}}
You may get a call from a friend who is really depressed over a certain problem when you are just sitting down to enjoy a romantic dinner with your husband. This is just one of those instances when a friend's needs mattered more.
{{B}} (42) Take advantage of the mails.{{/B}}
Nearly all of us have pals living far away--friends we miss very much. Given the limited time available for visits and the high price of phone calls, writing is a fine way to keep in touch and makes both sender and receiver feel good.
{{B}} (43) Risk expressing negative feelings.{{/B}}
When time together is tough to come by, it's natural to want the mood during that time to be upbeat. And many people fear that others will think less of you if you express the negative feelings like anger and hurt.
{{B}} (44) Don't make your friends' problems your own.{{/B}}
Sharing your friend's grief is the way you show deep friendship.
{{B}} Never underestimate the value of loyalty.{{/B}}
Loyalty has always been rated as one of the most desired qualities in friends. True loyalty can be a fairly subtle thing. Some people feel it means that, no matter what, your friend will always take you side. But real loyalty is being accepting the person, not necessarily of certain actions your friend might take.
{{B}} (45) Give the gift of time as often as time allows.{{/B}}
Time is what we don't have nearly enough of--and yet, armed with a little ingenuity, we can make it to give it to our friends.
The last but not the least thing to keep a friendship alive is to say to your friends "I miss you and love you." Saying that at the end of a phone conversation, or a visit, or writing it on a birthday card, can sustain your friendship for the times you aren't together.
[A] But taking on your friend's pain doesn't make that pain go away. There's a big difference between empathy or recognizing a friend's pain, and over identification, which makes the sufferer feel even weaker-- "I must be in worse pain than I even thought, because the person I'm confiding in is suffering so much!" Remember troubled people just need their friends to stay grounded in their own feelings.
[B] Remember honesty is the key to keeping a friendship real. Sharing your pain will actually deepen a friendship.
[C] Besides, letters, cards and postcards have the virtue of being tangible--friends can keep them and reread them for years to come.
[D] The trick is remembering that a little is better than none and that you can do two things at Once. For instance, if you both go for a weekly aerobics, go on the same day. If you both want to go on vocation, schedule the same destination.
[E] Careful listening, clear writing, close reading, plain speaking, and accurate description- will be invaluable. In tomorrow's fast-paced business environment there will be precious little time to correct any misunderstandings. Communications breakdown may well become a fatal corporate disease.
[F] Sometimes, because of our unbreakable commitments or other circumstances, we simply can't give a needy friend the time we'd like. If you can't be there at that given moment, say something like, "I wish I could be with you I can hear that you're in pain. May I call you tomorrow?" Be sure your friend knows she's cared about.