填空题 "I'm just bad at math." "Everyone can run faster than me." It's not unusual for us to hear our preteens labeled themselves this way.
According to Judy Amall, author of Discipline without Distress, this diminished self-confidence is a common problem in the preteen years. "Kids are more aware and sensitive about how other people see them at this age," she says. "Girls, in particular, often seem to lose their voices in the classroom because boys tend to interrupt more and talk over them."
Parents need to be careful about this kind of labeling. Sometimes we attempt to reassure a child who has done badly on a test at school by saying, "Well, you're just not good at spelling." But this can discourage the child from trying to improve. Children also hear the ways we label ourselves. If a girl hears her mother say, "Oh, I'm just stupid when it comes to remembering things," then it seems OK to describe herself as stupid.
Besides avoiding these labels, there are a number of positive things parents can do to boost their preteen's self-confidence.
1. Really listen.
It means a lot to children to have an adult pay attention to them and respect their thoughts and opinions. When they talk to you, ask questions to draw them out and help them think things through.
2. Build skills.
Confidence comes from knowing what you can do. So parents need to keep challenging their preteens a bit beyond their comfort level. Amall recommends assigning some non-traditional chores so girls get good at mowing the lawn and boys master cleaning toilets. Leaning other skills helps too.
Help them speak up.
Public-speaking skills help kids organize and express their thoughts, and will be valuable throughout their lives. If they don't get opportunities for public speaking in school, consider enrolling them in after-school clubs.
3. Focus on abilities, not appearance.
Preteens can't help but be aware of the emphasis our society puts on looks, and the changes that come with the onset of puberty make them more self-conscious. "Don't reinforce that, Amall says, "It's better to point out the things they have accomplished, even if it's getting high points in video games."
Treat mistakes as opportunities for learning.
When a child does something wrong, don't scold or blame. Instead, you can ask, "What did you learn from this?" This is a great age to make a lot of mistakes, try things out, to learn what works and what doesn't.
4. Coach from the sidelines.
When you jump in and intervene, you may make your child feel you don't have confidence in her ability to handle the situation. But you can help her make a plan and support her as she makes her own decisions about what to do.
5. Show unconditional love.
"Tell them and show them you love them every day," Amall says. "When you are feeling over-whelmed by life, it means a lot to have the love and support of your parents."
A. Have family meetings where your preteen can participate in making decisions about things like family vacations and activities. It gives kids confidence to know you value what they say.
B. Parents are important role models in this area. Girls hear their mothers complain about their weight or their lips being too thin, and they would look for flaws in themselves.
C. Touch still matters, even if it's just a pat on the head or a quick shoulder rub. Another way of showing affection is taking the time to work with your child when he/she feels discouraged. This will help a lot.
D. For example, let's say your daughter isn't invited to a birthday party that many of her friends are going to. It might be very tempting to call the parents hosting the party and ask why your daughter wasn't invited—but a better approach might be to discuss options with your daughter. What can she do? She could confront the friend directly and ask why she was excluded, or perhaps she could approach the friend with humor ("I think the dog might have eaten my invitation before I got it."). It's up to her to decide what to do and how she'll handle things if she doesn't get the outcome she wants.
E. When you read with enthusiasm—using voices, expressing the excitement and suspense of the story, kids are more likely to listen attentively. The most important thing, is that the experience is warm and connected—encourage her to share in the reading task but don't insist.
F. Elisa Brook's 10-year-old son, Owen, was discouraged by his lack of progress in piano lessons. "He really didn't like to practice," Brook says. "I would sit with him and encourage him, and we worked through one bar at a time. It was slow at first, but we persisted and at the end of the year, he got 92 percent on the exam and was so proud of what he'd accomplished. /